WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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