how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
ttyl tear gas
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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