just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
