the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
