All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
