You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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