i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
