We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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