I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
