I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
