if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
