I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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