Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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