Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
