wakey wakey hands off snakey
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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