I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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