i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm getting married
To pizza
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
