It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
