the condom got lost in my hair
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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