You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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