My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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