I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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