my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
