They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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