I met the friendliest cop last night
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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