just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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