Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
