Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
