I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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