Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
