Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize