Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
