i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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