You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Pants are for mortals
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
