I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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