No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
