I'm gonna have a badass scar
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
