I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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