God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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