Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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