The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
