this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
