We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
