the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
