we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
