I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
