Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
