You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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