And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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