You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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