i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
