Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
