I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Welp...herpes.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
