did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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