Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
