I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
