put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
