did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
