I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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