omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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