either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
