the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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