Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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