he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
