Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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